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Decided to start using this as a text blog. Perhaps also do book reviews and shit, I don’t know.

Anyway I felt like ranting about something that really bothers me. I really hate when people, that knows you are reading their blog, writes something passive aggressive about you, so it’s obvious it’s about you, even though they don’t mention names, instead of saying it to you. Instead of telling you you did something that bothers them, they write about it in their goddamn blog and you’re like what the fuck, I know this is about me, kabdgadgasg. This just happened. It happened a while ago with another person as well. Am I doing the same thing now by writing this? The person in question doesn’t know I have this blog so she won’t see this. I say it’s okay if you know the person doesn’t read where you write about them. But when they for a fact -know- you read their blog and will see it, then why the fuck can’t they just tell you instead? Fuck this generation and all this bullshit.

Fair enough, I did that a lot in high school. When I was in that group of friends with it’s constant drama and again, bullshit, so much bullshit, I did it constantly. Wrote passive aggressive things about them that I knew they would see. They did the same thing. I excuse that by saying I was 3 years younger than I am know. I don’t know. I might have done it without realizing it as late as this year, I don’t remember. I hope not.

I got two other blogs started, one that was supposed to be a fandom blog and one that was supposed to be in character. Written by two of my own characters in an alternate universe alike this one but where there is vampires, unknown to most people. Have written one submission in a Word Document but it’s not done. The fandom blog, I don’t know. Feel very disconnected to all fandoms right now. Even Sherlock. I don’t write fics anymore, I wrote a lot during like two months and then I stopped. I stopped when having a fall-out with a friend that started with something I wrote that was connected to Sherlock, and during that time I didn’t want anything to do with the fandom because it just made me feel sick. When we were okay again I re-connected to the fandom a bit, but I still can’t write. Not just Sherlock, everything. Writer’s block stemming from my bottomless self-criticism. It’s not fun to write when I turn out hating everything I write. I know there are people that thinks it’s bullshit that I feel this way and that I shouldn’t, but whatever, I have the right to express this and even if some might not agree, to me it’s true. I really think everything I write these days turns into shit. Which just drains any possible fun I could get from writing. So. I don’t know. A part of it is also the lack of feedback, since only one person really reads what I write. It could be fixed by getting the shit out on FF, LJ etc., but for some reason I can’t get around to submitting my fics. Don’t know why. It feels like homework. You know you ‘have’ to do it so you don’t, until a minute before deadline. Only I have no deadline on getting my fics out so I don’t get around to it at all. Which is pathetic. It should be fun to put them somewhere where perhaps more than one person will read them, but perhaps because most of the time I’m so tired and my brain slow and shut-down it just feels like a workload to get as much as one fic out so it ends up with them just being on my computer, and it all feels pointless, and I think it’s crap anyway, so. Which is great considering I’m going to study writing full time, so, yeah, great.

Have several things I would like to be able to finish. For one my story about a woman on a space station in the future, who is in love with a robot. I really like the plot. I like humanoid robots too, so. But to continue working on that I’d feel the need to redo the two first pages that I wrote like… two years ago, and now really don’t like, and again that feels like a workload and my brain just shuts down. Everything that takes concentration and energy and especially creativity feels impossible to do.

Right, another thing I just got reminded of that really annoys me and that I do not understand, is when people in their statuses on FB addresses a specific person, and writes them a message, but publicly. In their status. WTF. Why not just send them a goddamn PM or a text you retard? Okay I get it, because you want attention. TBH only one of my FB contacts does this, and the person in question is for different reasons quite obviously a bit of an attention whore, but still. She writes things like this: “@Name (so the person will see they’ve been tagged in a post) can I borrow your hairdryer?” So it is very specifically directed at that person, and not really anything someone else can add something to, mostly it’s about things that just says attention whore in big letters, don’t have any good example now, but it’s usually not something like a hairdryer. Even if it’s that too, sometimes. Why do you do this? Okay I know, for attention, obviously, but it’s just so fucking laughable I keep shaking my head and mocking her mentally every time I see it. And she does it constantly. We’re not interested in your personally exchanges on shit that only concerns the two of you, so that’s what PMs are for. Jesus.

Oh gee M you’re so negative, you just spread negativity around you, blah blah blah. Yeah I know. I don’t need to get good stuff out of me, I need to get bad stuff out of me, because otherwise I just get more and more annoyed and angry about them.

I’m reading nine books right now. Two of them are poem collections though so they don’t count. If I make this a book review blog, do I write in it Swedish or English? Or Swedish when it’s a Swedish book and English when it’s an English book? Important problem is important.

I’m bored. Hence this pointless rant of absolute no importance or substance. I should get a life.

I cannot remember anything nerdy I’ve obsessed about before hurting as much as Sherlock. I know other things has, the sixth and seventh book of Harry Potter did, the end of Buffy did, Torchwood did, even Oz did…

but then they say we forget pain, and I must have, because fuck, can’t help but wonder if it’s worth it, dealing with this pain to get the other side of the coin that is insane fangirling.

My best friend says she can’t see the angst about Sherlock, and I’m like whaa. Everything about Sherlock is angst. Not on the surface, of course, but down under; how Sherlock saves John from deep depression and how (in my bromancy and less straightly shipping mind) Sherlock is the one thing keeping him up. How Mycroft is constantly afraid that Moriarty is going to move in on Sherlock after what Mycroft did to get the information from Jim that he wanted. How he kidnaps John (again this isn’t said out loud but it’s what I thought) to make sure he isn’t one of Jim’s men. How in The Great Game John thinks he’ll lose Sherlock, how he’d rather sacrifice himself than see Sherlock killed. How Sherlock, who according to most people around him is a ‘psychopath’ without a care for anyone, is just on the verge of panic at the idea of losing John -

when Irene ‘dies’ and John needs to make sure Sherlock won’t go do heavy drugs to comfort himself, how Sherlock reacts when in fact she is alive, and then the Reichenbach Fall which I’m pretty sure hurt more than anything within any fandom has ever done. (Okay maybe not more than Deathly Hallows and Severus dying but close enough.) Sure I choose to see angst, I like angst, I look for angst, I don’t care for shows without it - I watch them, sometimes (Big Bang Theory, Family Guy) but I don’t care for them, not really. I write fanfiction to get to explore the angst, I read fanfiction for extra angst… but even so, the angst I find in Sherlock is not imagined.

It was like two months, or one, since I saw Reichenbach, and I can’t even think about it without feeling like my stomach goes into a knot. I can’t rewatch it. I have rewatched a few scenes, like the flashbacks of when Jim gets interrogated and when Jim has tea at Sherlock’s - but except for that I can’t watch it. Not the first scene where John is at his therapist’s, because I die inside when I see that, and definitely not the scene where Sherlock jumps. I keep trying to find slashy fanvids and all I find is vids that are just so fucking angsty that even I can’t take it. I have songs that aren’t Sherlock soundtrack but that to me are Jim or Sherlock or SherlockandJohn and just listening to them makes me half sick with heartache.

I mean, it’s a show, it’s not fucking sane, I know. I just want the next goddamn episode, I need to see John be okay again.

House just ended. It ended very angsty. I think if I hadn’t watched Sherlock it would have hurt a lot more, but after Reichenbach it’s like… nothing can be worse. Not even Wilson dying. Not even knowing Wilson and House, the second best bromance ever, only has five months left together. I wasn’t even sniffling. I was just like Wilson is really dying and Sherlock isn’t really dead and yet Sherlock not dying for real (but John believing so) hurts a million times more than Wilson really dying. Maybe because seeing John hurt is so much worse than knowing House will hurt. Not just because I don’t have to see House lose Wilson but also because I imagine House is more accustomed to pain, he will handle Wilson’s death really badly, I imagine he will drug himself half to death and shit, but somehow John hurting the way he does after the Fall is just so unfair. And it’s not real, it’s just a show, I know, but if that made a difference I wouldn’t bloody watch shows or read books and nerd about them and drown in the fandoms because there would be no point. Nerds of my kind are this kind of nerdy because we cannot emotionally differ between real people and made-up characters. Really. Losing Snape is still like… I wish I had a real grave to go to. So I could put flowers on there and say Sev you were the greatest man ever and Ron and Harry sucks for ever thinking you were still a Death Eater and pretend I always trusted him even though I didn’t.

Dunno how to survive until next season. Through fanfiction and fanart and fanvids, yes, but. I don’t know. It’s hard to even read/watch those things because even the happy ones hurt because I know that’s not how it really is, how it really is in the Sherlock-verse is John is depressed and lonely as hell and I want to go and tell him Sherlock isn’t dead.

How insane is that? How is this different from people being locked up for hallucinating? Isn’t it sort of the same? Feeling real pain for imagined characters, isn’t that a kind of hallucination?

I don’t know. I’m ranting. It’s half past six and I haven’t slept because I can’t sleep and I read a little out of every one of the five books I’m reading and even though I can’t sleep now I’m too tired to focus so instead I rant about how much Sherlock hurts and blargh blargh.

I dreamed that I was Sherlock kissing Jim. It was the hottest dream I’ve had since I dreamed I was Harry kissing Draco. It’s insane I dream stuff like that. Then again perhaps not considering how much time I spend reading about non-platonic love between men. It was really hot though.

I made this tumblr because I was going to use it for something and now I don’t remember what that was, it was something else than pointlessly ranting about Sherlock, but oh well.